“I don’t need you.”
I wish I could say that bluntly.
But I didn’t. Because I knew what would happen if I did.
I thought I’m heartless already.
I thought I’m cruel enough to break anybody’s heart, no matter who that person is.
But when I hear your voice, it just breaks my heart. Just when I thought I’m about to tell you that–to tell you the cruel thing,
“I don’t need you,” it pains me so much already.
You are always different.
You will never be one of those ordinary people.
You will always stand out.
I used to be proud of that. So much.
But now I hate it so much that the hatred consumes my heart.
I’ve been asking God whether He meant to make our life as a cruel joke.
He never answer.
Or maybe I’m just too deaf to hear His answer.
Because you and me–we are completely different.
Like water and fire.
Yet He keeps setting us up together.
Like He’s been trying to see whether water and fire can stand side by side,
and when He fails, He tries again and again,
and He will never stop until He succeed.
But He doesn’t know, does He?
He doesn’t know how much that hurts.
It hurts so much.
I was wondering,
How could you be faithful, but at the same time, u’re also an unbeliever?
Could you be so loveable and yet, so full of hatred?
Could you enjoy your life, but also sick of it?
Could u think positively, and at the same time also think that everyone’s really sux?
Could you ask God to grant you more time on earth, but at the same time, you really want to throw it away?
Could you be so naive, but so full of bitterness?
Could you be so devoted and also become skeptic, too?
If we ever think about it, and realize, diz world is actually a drama stage. And each person holds a role for him/herself. The property used is only a mask. Director? God. Assistant? Satan (believe it or not, sorry). They let us choose, to wear the mask or not. Means you could show your true-self to the audience, or not, if you choose to wear the mask.
I’m being so skeptic right now. Somehow, my mood is so ruined right now. And I keep remembering Meja’s “All About the Money” ‘s line:
We find strange ways of showing them how much we really care
When in fact we just dun seem to care at all
You dun need to understand diz at all… Dat’s why I call it nonsense.
Once, quite long time ago, I changed my “Religious Belief” in facebook to “Atheist”. It took quite some time for some of my “church friends” to find it out and then protested me. Duh, I’ve done that quite long time ago! Aaaaaaaarrrrggghhhh!!! Sumhow I disagree with their protest which then asked me to changed my status back to “Christian” or their question like, “Are you really an atheist? Please change it back if it’s not true.” I completely understand why they were doing so (I used to be in their position, too, loooooooooooong time ago), but still, it quite irritated me. Well, it really pissed me off, actually.
So, I neither reply or change it, at first. But then, more protests come, so I think it’s better to change it a.s.a.p. It bugs me so much to see those protests and critics (it turns out that I’m not really open to critics, eh?).
Anyway, sharing my complaints were not my purpose of posting this. The real reason why I did change my religion belief to “atheist” is dat…
Well, I kinda being far from God these days. Not to say dat I used to be close with him, no. I dun think so. But, it was like… that’s another story to tell later on, but I’m being agnostic right now. I do still believe in him, but I wanna believe him in my own ways. I sick of all the rules, of being God’s good child, being too fanatic, being too freak of his commandments, and I’m tired of trying… If I look back, remembering the old days, when I used to be a good christian (as I thought so), I feel like being a fanatic and a freak. Dat may not be true. Besides, it’s others who see you anyway, not you.
I always thought that it’s never been easy being a christian. When I used to be a church activist, a friend once told me, “being a Christian is like being in an aquarium”, people will always notice whatever you’re doing. And not juz notice, they will always comment — critics, to be exact.
I’m sick of that already. Seriously. And I really dun wanna through those anymore. So, I let myself control me. Whole body and mind (no more praying, “Let your will be done.” It will be just, “Let it be,” or, “I will try doing what I want. If God mind it, he can stop me.”) It sounds really bad, huh? Well, who says I’m a good kid anyway?
I started to abandon all those christian principles behind and being me. And so I thought that, it’s not worth it to tell everybody I’m a christian but never do anything as most christian will do. Let’s just say that I prefer to do what my heart tells me, now.
I know the reason why my friends correcting me on that. And thanks for them, I know that they are still care for me, though I dunno how much their cares are. But for me, I’d rather being an atheist who believe in Jesus, and try to do something he wants me to do, or doing God, than bragging around about being a Christian but do nothing. It’s not worth it. And I dun think they should mind it that much. People, please! What do you actually expect??
I remember having one or two friends, they are not Christians. But I once saw a picture of Jesus at the back of one of my friend’s book. And I was quite surprised at that time for as far as I knew, she was not a Christian. So I asked her, and what really shocked me was her answer.
“This guy? Jesus? He’s my idol. I adore him so much.”
I thought I was stunned.
“I dunno. His work, maybe, amazes me.”
I never heard anything like that before. Seriously. So I was quite shocked hearing that. But then I learn something. You dun have to be a christian to believe in Jesus, and do what he want. What is actually a christian?
They say Christian is a lifestyle. If it is so, then I can buy that. But more people claim that Christian is a religion, is a belief.
Then what is a religion? Face the reality, people, it’s no more than a status people made to cling to. Jesus did not come in this world thousands years ago to “christianized” people. He came to save them, to died for them. Not to spread christianity. Christianity is a term which appeared firstly in Antioch. And the term exist to call the Christ-follower as “Christians”.
So, who cares about what is others religion if what is more important is what you really believe and what you do with it?
Am I being to skeptic this time?